Shakespeare's Haemorrhoids

Shall I compare thee to a seat in Hell?
Thou art more ripened than the Grapes of Wrath.
I would not wish my foe this evil spell;
each step I take is pain, along life’s path.
Sometimes too hot, the eye of bowel shines.
Alas, I suffer my affliction grim.
No longer fair of youth, but aged with time;
should my eternal piles, require a trim?
This very thought I cannot contemplate,
each day in still more numbers; how thou grow’st.
And Death shall brag “for me thou cannot wait;
this pain severe, ‘tis thanks to piles thou ow’st."
Oh haemorrhoids, my very soul doth crown
and pains me even more, when sitting down.

Politically Correct Santa Clause

The Health Police had a meeting, and issued a new decree,
Santa Claus,Is their new cause, for living healthily!
His red cheeks and twinkling eyes, indicate unhealthy eating.
His blood pressure is on the rise, they stated at the meeting.
He drinks too much, it must be said. Then drives that sleigh, whilst off his head!
So this year, Santa Claus, will be looking very slim.
No red cheeks, nor twinkling eyes, his beard has had a trim.
But all the children of the world, threatened to revolt.
We don't like this Santa Claus,we want all this to halt.
We love that jolly gentleman, with twinkly eyes so merry.
We like his rosy cheeks, and his wobbly belly!
And so the Health Police agreed, to change Santa would be tragic.
He could live by different rules,'cos after all, he's magic!

False Friend

This thing is called a mobile phone
It guarantees you're not alone
It wakes you up quite late at night
To see if you can be polite
To random drunks who call a mate
While in a somewhat parlous state
But when you want a friend to call
The bloody thing won't ring at all!

Home Grown

I long to feel you flutter
Go ahead...Kick me..Please!!
Wrap your hand round my finger
Ask about the Birds & Bees
See you play mummy with a doll
Play a Policeman with your cars
Block your potty up with tissue
Get your hand stuck in Cookie Jars
I await the day you paint me a picture
So i can hang it on my wall
Be there with a band aid
When you have a nasty fall
I want the feeling Mothers get when you start your first day at school
To see the excitement in your face on the first trip to the Swimming Pool
To wrap you up in bed at night & sing a lullaby
And be there with a hug and kiss if you should start to cry
To see you laugh on Christmas day while playing with your toys
To have the contraception talk when you start dating Girls or Boys
But most of all to keep you safe and love you more each day
It's just to bad that wanting feeling shall never fade away!!

The Rain

I sit upon my Watery Throne
A convex sheet of plastic to save me from drowning
in the ocean of emotion that you lash upon me
You take me deep into thought
So deep in fact that all my pain and troubles Vanish
Never to poke or prod at me again....Shhhhhh!!
You freeze me to the spot
Altho you carm me...
I'm scared to let you touch me
Your Icy tears could do Damage.....!

I Had An Argument With my Canary While in Line at the Bank Because I'm a Nudist

Why did I bring my canary? He just gets me into strife.
I always get embarassed 'cause he messes with my life.
He sat there on my shoulder then he nibbled at my ear.
He looked about and gave a chirp,then his voice came loud and clear.
'You should be wearing feathers, it's indecent to be bare!
Especially in a bank queue where everyone will stare.
'I told him to shut up his tweety little beak, or else, said I, with squinting eye, another shoulder he should seek.
'At least,' he said, squinting back,'you could lose a bit of weight,otherwise to be laughed at will be your awful fate.
'At that I found I'd had enough of that rotten little bird
and as I grabbed him by the throat he squawked a real rude word.
Just as I was winning this argument of ours, Security came racing; it was not my finest hour.
Some nice people in white coats they wanted me to meet, otherwise I swear to you that bird was shredded tweet!

Look around the room for me

One never knows what life has in store
But here's a thought if you go before
When you've lived out life to it's final end
And Death has come as a naught sought friend
When you've fought life's battle and end life's race
To find yourself in that other place
When you've sought for heaven to find no trace
And met the Devil face to face
Then when you've seen what is to see
Just look around for a room for me!!!

If you came back

I wouldn't know what to say
I wouldn't know what to do
If you came back from heaven
And I could look at you
Would I fumble for the words?
Would I be a little shy?
Would I bust right out with laughter?
Or break right down and cry?
If you came back from heaven
Would it be like it was then?
Could we just pick up, where we left off
And try it all again?
If you came back from Heaven
It would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows if he let you go....I'd never send you back

Exaggeration for the Family Album

Sipped from the glass of Sour Liquid
My grandmother slouched backwards in her Chair
"Your as young as the man that your feeling" she cackled
"In which case I'm not even born yet"
With a Grunt and a helping hand she got to her feet...not to stay on them for very long
She was Plastered!!
"Slow your role Nan" Was all i could hear
amoungst the pissed up tone deaf vocals falling from her dribbling gob
Maybe she should have stuck to Earl Grey from her China cup
Instead of the Apple Sourz from a Pint Glass

How could you??

When i was a little girl and i cried
you lovingly held me, and let the tear fall
When i would scrape my knee
you'd bandage it up and say "be carefull next time"
when my friends would leave me alone
you would give me a cuddle and say " i love you"
When my birthday was horrible you smiled and said next year it will be perfect
When i would lose my temper
you always had a way to calm me down
but one day all that stopped
i grew up
no more love or feelings
and then you dissapeared
where are you now?
when i look i can't see
nobody to care
nobody to help
how could you?
how could you leave?

Your gone...

I heard you died...I'm numb
Your not here with me anymore...I'm alone
I cant make you cups of tea...I'm bored
I cant see you smile...I'm hurt
But...most of all I'm angry...you never said goodbye
Just fell asleep...shh!
10 years my heart has been aching
I cry when nobody is watching...do you see me?
Do you try to offer me comfort?
I have a box to remember you by
Things of yours that are close to my heart
I look at them everyday...wishing for you to come back
Hoping to hear your keys tap on my window
And even tho I'm angry..I love you and think of you each day!!

Take the time

Take time to imagine holding hands with the man inside your head
the warmth, the feel that you think is real,
promises of love you have never heard said
Take time to imagine only loving the man inside your dreams
walking hand in hand across tide lapped sand
where everything is more simple than it seems
Take the time to imagine argueing with the man inside your thoughts
though you were glad and whats happy is now sad
put your price on love and rub out the noughts
see.. most people think everythings easy
no heartache, no tears and no fear
well imagine your heart ...all broken, torn apart
then think carefully that what you have is most dear

Because!!

I Still feel his head on my shoulder
I still hear his words in my ear
And the day that we both became older
I had to face it.... we just werent as near
Theres an ache in my heart now its finished
Which makes me forget all the tears in my eyes
All the hurt and the pain, but i still try again
To keep contact and not lose all ties
But... i know that hes gone for a life time
Never to look back and see what that was
It was his time to fly, but i expected goodbye,
The only thing left unanswered.......Because!!

Home..

All of life is a coming home
All of the restless hearts of the world trying to find our way home
It's hard to describe what i feel like..
Picture yourself walking for days..
You don't even realise that your walking in circles
The heaviness of your legs in the drifts
Your shouts disappearing into the wind
How small you can feel and how far away home can be
Home...The dictionary defines it as a place of Origin and a goal of destination...
The storm was all in my mind...Or as Poet Dante put it..
"In the middle of the journey of my life i found myself in a dark wood, eventually i would find the right path but in the most unlikely place"

Feeling trapped...

A wall in front of me i see, Bricks built a mile high
I try to climb out...Free myself but fail because I can't fly
Each brick lay strong with cement in vertical perfection
I sit and decide to again accept the imaginary waves of Rejection
I knock upon this giant structer, hoping for reply
Still unknown, i stand alone but never shall i cry
Over, under, round or through, no way out, only to hope
I looked up then down, cold darkness surrounds but still i have to cope

I'm just a tone

I sit here alone..absorbing
A glimpse of hope i detect
Images Colour-wash my mind
The golden tint on petals that beam the flowers beauty
The flame encrusted sunset...
Then reality hits with the sudden Spreading of India Ink across the Pale blue Summer sky
This is the life i know
I'm home
The Storm pulls me in...digests me with ease
My mind slips beneath the constant batter of the iced raindrops
Slowly i begin to accept the feeling of depressed normality
Colours aren't for me
I'm safe with my lifeless tones of pearly white, shadowy black & Grey.

I am a Bookcase!!

I sit here in my own little world of thought
Absorbing the ideas that rest on my Chest from day to day
Jumping from 1 leather backed cloud of emotion to the next
Silence speaks loud as I amuse myself....
I'm ignored here in my own little corner
Abused with hot mugs
Kicked when tempers flair
There's not much life here in my corner
.....Just worlds backed with Animals

I remember...

I remember fishing in my Grandads pond..
with a branch i ripped off of his favourite tree
Poking at the blurry movements of Orange, Yellow and Silver
The smell of Autumn filled ny nostrils along with the shortbread baking in the distance
The roughness of the branch as it was tugged from my hands
The sound of words more colourful than the movements swishing under the surface of the water
No shadows around to hide in
Nothing to save me..
Only the Ignorance and Misunderstanding of a 6 year Olds Playtime
"Bedroom now!!" are the words i understand...I heard them often enough
I felt the disapproval in the air..I struggled through it
I sat in my corner..
A ray of sunlight blinded me through the curtians blowing in the breeze
I closed my eyes & pictured perfection
The individual rainbows darting back and forth under the blanket of moist protection
A vision that couldn't be taken from me by words said with the intention to scare me