Shall I compare thee to a seat in Hell?
Thou art more ripened than the Grapes of Wrath.
I would not wish my foe this evil spell;
each step I take is pain, along life’s path.
Sometimes too hot, the eye of bowel shines.
Alas, I suffer my affliction grim.
No longer fair of youth, but aged with time;
should my eternal piles, require a trim?
This very thought I cannot contemplate,
each day in still more numbers; how thou grow’st.
And Death shall brag “for me thou cannot wait;
this pain severe, ‘tis thanks to piles thou ow’st."
Oh haemorrhoids, my very soul doth crown
and pains me even more, when sitting down.
Monday, 15 March 2010
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Politically Correct Santa Clause
The Health Police had a meeting, and issued a new decree,
Santa Claus,Is their new cause, for living healthily!
His red cheeks and twinkling eyes, indicate unhealthy eating.
His blood pressure is on the rise, they stated at the meeting.
He drinks too much, it must be said. Then drives that sleigh, whilst off his head!
So this year, Santa Claus, will be looking very slim.
No red cheeks, nor twinkling eyes, his beard has had a trim.
But all the children of the world, threatened to revolt.
We don't like this Santa Claus,we want all this to halt.
We love that jolly gentleman, with twinkly eyes so merry.
We like his rosy cheeks, and his wobbly belly!
And so the Health Police agreed, to change Santa would be tragic.
He could live by different rules,'cos after all, he's magic!
Santa Claus,Is their new cause, for living healthily!
His red cheeks and twinkling eyes, indicate unhealthy eating.
His blood pressure is on the rise, they stated at the meeting.
He drinks too much, it must be said. Then drives that sleigh, whilst off his head!
So this year, Santa Claus, will be looking very slim.
No red cheeks, nor twinkling eyes, his beard has had a trim.
But all the children of the world, threatened to revolt.
We don't like this Santa Claus,we want all this to halt.
We love that jolly gentleman, with twinkly eyes so merry.
We like his rosy cheeks, and his wobbly belly!
And so the Health Police agreed, to change Santa would be tragic.
He could live by different rules,'cos after all, he's magic!
False Friend
This thing is called a mobile phone
It guarantees you're not alone
It wakes you up quite late at night
To see if you can be polite
To random drunks who call a mate
While in a somewhat parlous state
But when you want a friend to call
The bloody thing won't ring at all!
It guarantees you're not alone
It wakes you up quite late at night
To see if you can be polite
To random drunks who call a mate
While in a somewhat parlous state
But when you want a friend to call
The bloody thing won't ring at all!
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Home Grown
I long to feel you flutter
Go ahead...Kick me..Please!!
Wrap your hand round my finger
Ask about the Birds & Bees
See you play mummy with a doll
Play a Policeman with your cars
Block your potty up with tissue
Get your hand stuck in Cookie Jars
I await the day you paint me a picture
So i can hang it on my wall
Be there with a band aid
When you have a nasty fall
I want the feeling Mothers get when you start your first day at school
To see the excitement in your face on the first trip to the Swimming Pool
To wrap you up in bed at night & sing a lullaby
And be there with a hug and kiss if you should start to cry
To see you laugh on Christmas day while playing with your toys
To have the contraception talk when you start dating Girls or Boys
But most of all to keep you safe and love you more each day
It's just to bad that wanting feeling shall never fade away!!
Go ahead...Kick me..Please!!
Wrap your hand round my finger
Ask about the Birds & Bees
See you play mummy with a doll
Play a Policeman with your cars
Block your potty up with tissue
Get your hand stuck in Cookie Jars
I await the day you paint me a picture
So i can hang it on my wall
Be there with a band aid
When you have a nasty fall
I want the feeling Mothers get when you start your first day at school
To see the excitement in your face on the first trip to the Swimming Pool
To wrap you up in bed at night & sing a lullaby
And be there with a hug and kiss if you should start to cry
To see you laugh on Christmas day while playing with your toys
To have the contraception talk when you start dating Girls or Boys
But most of all to keep you safe and love you more each day
It's just to bad that wanting feeling shall never fade away!!
The Rain
I sit upon my Watery Throne
A convex sheet of plastic to save me from drowning
in the ocean of emotion that you lash upon me
You take me deep into thought
So deep in fact that all my pain and troubles Vanish
Never to poke or prod at me again....Shhhhhh!!
You freeze me to the spot
Altho you carm me...
I'm scared to let you touch me
Your Icy tears could do Damage.....!
A convex sheet of plastic to save me from drowning
in the ocean of emotion that you lash upon me
You take me deep into thought
So deep in fact that all my pain and troubles Vanish
Never to poke or prod at me again....Shhhhhh!!
You freeze me to the spot
Altho you carm me...
I'm scared to let you touch me
Your Icy tears could do Damage.....!
I Had An Argument With my Canary While in Line at the Bank Because I'm a Nudist
Why did I bring my canary? He just gets me into strife.
I always get embarassed 'cause he messes with my life.
He sat there on my shoulder then he nibbled at my ear.
He looked about and gave a chirp,then his voice came loud and clear.
'You should be wearing feathers, it's indecent to be bare!
Especially in a bank queue where everyone will stare.
'I told him to shut up his tweety little beak, or else, said I, with squinting eye, another shoulder he should seek.
'At least,' he said, squinting back,'you could lose a bit of weight,otherwise to be laughed at will be your awful fate.
'At that I found I'd had enough of that rotten little bird
and as I grabbed him by the throat he squawked a real rude word.
Just as I was winning this argument of ours, Security came racing; it was not my finest hour.
Some nice people in white coats they wanted me to meet, otherwise I swear to you that bird was shredded tweet!
I always get embarassed 'cause he messes with my life.
He sat there on my shoulder then he nibbled at my ear.
He looked about and gave a chirp,then his voice came loud and clear.
'You should be wearing feathers, it's indecent to be bare!
Especially in a bank queue where everyone will stare.
'I told him to shut up his tweety little beak, or else, said I, with squinting eye, another shoulder he should seek.
'At least,' he said, squinting back,'you could lose a bit of weight,otherwise to be laughed at will be your awful fate.
'At that I found I'd had enough of that rotten little bird
and as I grabbed him by the throat he squawked a real rude word.
Just as I was winning this argument of ours, Security came racing; it was not my finest hour.
Some nice people in white coats they wanted me to meet, otherwise I swear to you that bird was shredded tweet!
Look around the room for me
One never knows what life has in store
But here's a thought if you go before
When you've lived out life to it's final end
And Death has come as a naught sought friend
When you've fought life's battle and end life's race
To find yourself in that other place
When you've sought for heaven to find no trace
And met the Devil face to face
Then when you've seen what is to see
Just look around for a room for me!!!
But here's a thought if you go before
When you've lived out life to it's final end
And Death has come as a naught sought friend
When you've fought life's battle and end life's race
To find yourself in that other place
When you've sought for heaven to find no trace
And met the Devil face to face
Then when you've seen what is to see
Just look around for a room for me!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
